dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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