when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
