shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
