I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
