So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Less talking, more tequila
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
