Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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