Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
