Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize