...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
