dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
