I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
