no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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