Don't make out with my wife yet
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
