My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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