i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
