you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize