Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
