Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
