How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We need to feng shui this bitch.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
