apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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