I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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