I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
