so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
