Sober January is a disaster.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
