My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
