Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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