peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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