seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
