you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
