he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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