You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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