some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize