Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
