Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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