Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
