Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
