Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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