That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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