I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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