We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
