i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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