Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
