Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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