Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
