you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize