Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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