If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
