My Higher Power is John Stamos
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
