god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize