My hand turned me down
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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