he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
