Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
