New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
