I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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