Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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