come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
