and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
