I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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